belief.

Since I've known Nolan and I would be living up here in this small town I have had this assumption that finding a job would be difficult, bad pay, and probably not any fun. Since we have been here my assumptions seem to be true and only reaffirmed my idea of working in small towns. I've struggled with God about this because it's difficult and praying for his favor but really set in my mind that whatever job I could scrap up would be crappy and I'd just have to live with it for a year and survive. Kind of a contradictory prayer, asking for God's favor but not really believing it can happen. Well especially the last couple days, or ever since I got turned down for the last job, I've been so discouraged and frusterated with the idea of working and finding a job. It just doesn't feel hopeful. Then this morning as I was laying this before the Lord, complaining to him really, I was coming across and looking for things to encourage me and remind me of God's faithfulness and how he delivers us to his blessing... things like this. A while ago Jody, my new mom, had given me a book by Beth Moore, Praying God's Word, and I started reading. The section is called overcoming unbelief and she just started sharing how God had spoken to her one day about her unbelief and she wasn't even aware that she wasn't believing God for what he promised. I found myself in her words because it's not like this whole time I wasn't believing God would provide, but as she shared I recognized I wasn't believing for God's best. God did say he has my best interest in mind, so did I really believe that for what kind of job I would get? Then she shared this verse from:
Ephesians 1:18-20, "I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead."
and I thought wow... what if I actually believed that God wanted me to have the best job possible in this place, with all the odds against me, and I lived in that causing me to walk around with this great power, the same power he used to raise the dead, and what job would come out of that power? That's a pretty incredible God. This is my struggle... to believe, but Lord please help me overcome that unbelief.